Seeing as we are just a week away from the scariest, spookiest day of the year (no no, Flag Day is in June), I thought we’d take a break from individual issues and tackle a more universal concern: phobias! Whether you’re scared of the dark, scared of commitment, or scared of mayonnaise, there is probably a film that touches on the subject. So let’s kick back and revel in some legitimate fears. With the lights on, please.
Vertigo
OMG, just get over it, already. Okay, you watched your partner plummet to his death right in front of you, then months later the woman you loved died in a similar, if slightly more dramatic fashion, once again before your very eyes. But it’s like, come on: quit being a baby and climb the ladder. I promise not to push you, probably.
Runaway Bride
Ah, everyone’s favorite little bugaboo: commitment! Forget Hugh Grant, Matthew McConaughey, all those other 90s heartthrobs who made careers of this particular phobia. But the one who took it to new heights of adorable was Julia Roberts, who was clearly a shoe-in because of her real life history of jilting men at the altar ageless charm. Ooh, you just can’t keep that gal at the altar, can ya?! Better get Richard Gere in here. We hear he knows how to handle that one.
The Aviator
Oof. Howard Hughes was phobic about pretty much everything. Considering the sweet opening scene of his mom teaching him to spell with words like “quarantine” during the world’s creepiest bath time, we can surely see why. But his squeamishness went beyond germophobia by the time he reached middle age. Fear of people, fear of the outside world, fear of…whatever the fear is that makes you pee in jars.
Copycat
Look, Sigourney, I get it. Other people are the worst. And your apartment is, admittedly, awesome. (Seriously, if I had that view I’d stay put too.) But staying in all day and all night for years has made you kind of…peculiar. Not to mention pale. Since it’s clear you’re going to be attacked by a knife-wielding lunatic whether or not you leave the house, you might as well get out and see a movie—WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
The Sixth Sense
You know all those years you spent afraid of maniacal ghosts hiding under your bed, in the closet, and in every darkened corner of your bedroom? Oh, that was totally legit! Your parents were full of it when they told you there’s no such thing as ghosts. There is such a thing, and they’re here to beat the crap out of you. Happy Halloween!
Mailbag
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
Email: comeinandhaveaseat@gmail.com
Twitter: @mskelseymiller
Or comment below!
Dear Kelsey,
My office is full of mean girls. What can I do to make them shut up?
Frankie
Dear Frankie,
Oh, I can think of a few things. Confrontation, mediation, a round of trust falls. But you might as well skip all that hooey and go for what works: black magic.
You’re welcome!
K
